Taking Stock

See how good I am at blogging in 2016? The even more fun fact is that right now I’m actually on a plane flying back to Toronto but wrote this last week.

A very good friend (Hi Ciara!) and her family do a yearly review where they take stock of the previous year together. I find this a good idea for two reasons: it’s very easy to forget everything that happened in a year, especially the good stuff and secondly it’s a lovely way to close the year and look forward to the next one.

2015 was, in summary, a good year. I left Dublin after almost ten years of living there, my niece was born, I moved across the Atlantic ocean to be with my boyfriend (finally), I started a new job, my sister got married, I met new people and settled into Toronto. It’s been a year of total change, of new things and new people. As I’ve said, it was a good year.

2014 was, in summary, pretty shit. I usually don’t feel bad about previous years but I did find 2014 a real crap attack. I can’t even explain fully why it was so bad I just remember not feeling like myself during 2014. I felt numb most of the time, like I didn’t really have any feelings anymore. When I did have feelings they were negative ones, about myself, about other people and about life in general. I felt that there was no point trying to talk to anyone about it because I couldn’t even explain it to myself let alone to another person.Talking to other people was almost impossible, it was pretending all the time. Pretending to be a person and have normal human reactions to what I was being told. Even being with friends and family I felt like shit, and the fact that I didn’t understand why made me feel even worse. I felt like I was in a black hole, being sucked down further and further.

Somehow, someway I was pulled out of it. Again I can’t tell how or why it specifically I was but bit by bit I surfaced and things got better. I haven’t really gone into detail to others about it before because it’s sort of scary to admit to someone else how far it’s gone. My mum once told me that mental health is important because no one else can see how unwell you are – if you had a broken leg someone can see and understand it. But it’s much harder to see if someone is going through something emotionally. Thankfully I feel like it’s getting better and we are now starting to talk about it more publicly. We have a long way to go but we’ll get there.




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