Irrational Thoughts I Have: Part One

“I’m going for coffee, does anyone want one?”

Me. I do. I really really need a coffee. And I’m crazy busy so it’s perfect that they’re already going out and I don’t need to waste my precious time by going on a coffee run. But here’s the dilemma – I really can’t have other people knowing how many sugars I take in my coffee. Especially co-workers who I have to see everyday and who I have a feeling will spend hours discussing my sugar habits with other members of the office until it becomes the stuff of legends.

I don’t even like admitting how many sugars I take to coffee shop employees, even though I’m certain they’ve seen all kinds of weird shit in their time. When they ask I just beam “none thanks!” (Optional: “I’m sweet enough lolololololol”) and then scurry back to my desk and use my sugar packet stash to sweeten the deal.

This isn’t just a phobia about people thinking I’m disgustingly unhealthy. It also stems from not wanting to hold people up or bother people. They’re already going out of their way by going for coffee with me and then I start faffing around with my sugars? They’ll think “What a dickhead, let’s never do that again” right? So there’s no way I’m going to risk that happening, especially after moving to a new country – I need all the friends I can get.

When I have coffee meetings with people I start to panic – how will I hide my sugar addiction and stomach my coffee at the same time? One way is to make sure you arrive  early, before the other person arrives (this often means arriving super early – just in case they arrive early) and you can add sugar to your heart’s content. When that didn’t work out I started to order Chai Lattes when that problem arose because as they are so sweet I don’t need to add sugar so I even feel quite virtuous when I have them. Then I realised that chai lattes are often the most expensive drink on the menu and I look like a right arsehole when someone else is buying. “But why not just order a tea?” I hear you ask. Sorry, you seem to be suggesting something perfectly logical  – have you not been paying attention? NONE OF THE ABOVE MAKES SENSE!

To clarify – when I go for coffee/tea with someone I never get frustrated with them if they stop to add sugar/cinnamon/honey/breast milk to their beverage. And if I’m going for coffee and someone asks me to get them a triple heart attack with extra foam I don’t judge them. I know that logically no one else is doing the same to me. Deep down. Like deep deep deep down. But try telling my brain that.

“No thanks, I’m fine for coffee!”

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